Therapy with Children after Separation (Post 1)

Posted on January 12, 2012 by e-therapy

What tools, skills, ideas may be a useful to explore children’s experience of separation, conflict, living arrangements, and their relationships within their two-household family. It is important for children to be able to speak openly about their feelings about family separation; to speak about the feelings of loss, grief, anger and not have a parent react; therapy allows the child the space to be able to talk honesty about feelings so feedback can be given to parents to assist the parents to discontinue using child responses as part of the couple conflict.

  • A skilled therapist allows the child to have a ‘buffer’; which supports parents to start to separate child issues from couple issues.
  • To carry out successful child therapy consultations the therapist needs to be creative in the tools they bring to a therapy session; the use of drawings, pictures, sand play, play with specific aims (e.g. a selection of fierce animals), bear cards, shadow cards, 3 wishes, story completion, house drawings or pictures, imaginative dreams are some ideas a child therapist may use.
  • All tools, skills and ideas in child therapy are important; identifying how the child is presenting  is a real skill of the therapist; the therapist needs to be creative in offering them a medium they are comfortable with to tell their story and express their emotions.  Any play object that can be connected to the child story can be used well be a therapist.
  • E.g. when working with a 5 year old, the child had an obsession with possession of fierce animals; tigers, crocodiles etc. The child was encouraged to talk as one of these animals and answer questions from an animal voice explaining why the animal was very important to him. The information elicited was very insightful and as the mother was present and listening was ‘blown’ away by what she learnt about how her son was not coping with the couple’s conflict. Spontaneity and creativity of the child therapist is a skill; the room and resources in the room need to be extensive so the child can be encouraged to interact using many mediums; even some teenagers will happily use drama or a skit to be able to tell a story; which in fact is how they are really feeling about all the issues of separation from a child’s or young person’a point of view.
Posted in Divorce & Separation | Leave a comment

Using Children as Weapons Responsible Style 3

Posted on October 12, 2011 by e-therapy

Using Children as Weapons in Family Disputes - Copyrighted material written by Christina McMahon

 The Responsible Parent 

When you first meet they are often reserved, careful and systematic in how they approach life. You will feel extremely stable with a very responsible and trustworthy ‘anchor’ in your life.

 

What they can do in a crisis if unskilled? They can be either passive or aggressive depending on their second style. They are often pedantic, can close down emotionally and be considered cold, aloof and calculating. Their primary need is to stay in control of self and the situation. They fear losing emotional and practical control so they could be insensitive to the hurt or pain of the other parent and in some cases their own children.

How do they use children as weapons?

They are very capable and good planners so they plan their future. They spend time to make sure they have all the correct details and facts for a court case and they generally will be perfectly prepared. They control situations as they have analysed and planned responses long before the other person have thought out some possible repercussions.

With children they will have their hand on the pulse; knowing exactly all their rights. They can be inflexible around rights so they often use the child as a weapon to upset the other parent and demand their rights. If a child becomes upset with arrangements for access the Responsible style parent may not meet the child’s emotional needs. The Responsible parent could have suppressed feelings of inadequacy from the breakdown of the relationship; their reaction with their child can be seen to be insensitive and cold even if they really love their child; regaining a sense of control is what is so important for them to feel adequate once again. Their second style will determine if they can shift to a nurturing role or angry role. The child may have difficulty staying attached to this parent, they can feel shut out and not realise the parent emotions are often so controlled that this parent is not doing well. It not uncommon for older children to align more with the overtly emotional parent as they seem to need them more!

How does the ‘balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?

Make sure you receive professional help to move through your emotional issues.

Assist the other parent to feel in control through clarity of arrangements and keeping to agreed conditions and plans. They need to feel they have some control; if they feel out of control or inadequate or helpless their child could be hurt as a battle ‘rages’ over right and wrong; agreements; responsibilities; and even over routines and behaviour management issues. They respond cautiously to change and will be disorientated for a long period of time. If you choose to end the relationship and they feel rejected, they will feel inadequate and not perfect and this could mean they become over controlling. Speak to them quietly giving clear information about arrangements or write out arrangements in a listed manner. They find it hard to judge and criticise if you play everything by the “book”. If you are over emotional they will respond by building a case against you as being irrational or unstable. Give them evidence on the affect stress and family conflict has on children and how they need care, nurturing, love and reassurance and plenty of hugs and praise. Don’t talk at them; simply find the facts to give them!  (Training manual available:

The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )

Posted in Books, Children, Conflict Resolution, Divorce & Separation, Relationships | 4 Comments

Using Children as Weapons – Adventurer Style 2

Posted on September 30, 2011 by e-therapy

Using Children as Weapons in Family Disputes

The Adventurer Parent Copyright Material  Written by Christina McMahon

When you first meet they are often charming; sociable; exciting; enthusiastic and fun to be with it; this person makes life interesting and vibrant.

What do they do in a crisis if unskilled? They can be passive or aggressive, very manipulative and sometimes subtle. If highly educated can be cynical, sarcastic and very clever with words to make sure they are still the centre of attention. Females can use emotional drama to get their way and men can use emotional charm or distraction to get their way. (These are generalisations). Often have very close relationships with their children built on having fun and breaking routines, boundaries and behaviour expectations; seen as child like when with the child.

How do they use children as weapons?

Because they are the natural entertainers and charmers the relationship with their children is focussed on having fun. They are not always responsible to support suitable behaviour management boundaries or limits. They can manipulate their children; they are the fun and exciting parent who allows the child do things that the responsible parent will not allow. They are very persuasive through their ability to create relationship based on charm. They can use children as weapons by encouraging a child to see the other parent as the boring, over protective or too harsh parent; causing the parent who is trying to establish routines to be seen as the problem parent who does not know how to relax and enjoy themselves. If they have available money they could offer children treats; exciting trips; days out; latest expensive toys etc. They are buying the ‘love’ of the child. The other parent is wrong; not as good; boring; too strict; and stops the child from ‘playing’. One parent is irresponsible and the other could be over responsible! The child may end up supporting the breaking of parenting agreements to have fun with the irresponsible and fun parent.

So how does the ‘balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?

Make sure you get professional help to move through your emotional issues.

Meet the needs of the other parent where you can and it is reasonable, their needs are recognition and change. This parent really wants attention so they need to be ‘called’ on what they are doing; especially the manipulation. Not easy if you can’t do it in a way that deescalates the behaviour. This parent can change quickly when attention is received from another source; they could ‘forget’ their own child and become distracted. When they see their child again they will be totally charming even if they have simply disappeared from the child for a period of time. They don’t mean to hurt their child, their need for attention is great, they can blow hot and cold as a parent. When with the child; the child wants them to be with them, maybe more then with you. They will love their child however sometimes their personality needs unintentionally creates destructive situations for the child. When not with the child the responsible parent then has to pick up the pieces of the discarding of attention. This parent claims you’re the problem as they have fun with children. You need to use practical means to encourage this parent to be responsible. Not easy! Make sure you have fun times with your child in a framework that is responsible so they can see you can have fun and also be responsible. Help the child understand the other parent loves them but could always come and go because of who they. 

(Training manual available: The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )

Posted in Children, Divorce & Separation, News, Parenting, Relationships | 25 Comments

Don’t Blow the Budget

Posted on September 19, 2011 by e-therapy

One of the most stressful relationships we have is with ‘money’, money affects every aspect of our lives. It does not really matter how much money you have or do not have, as even very ‘rich’ people can struggle to manage and have the right relationship and attitude to money. How much money you have or do not have does not always equate to how happy you are; obviously when there is no finanical stress in your life you may have peace of mind to make decisions about what you do with your money. The relationship you have with your money or ‘no money’ is what keeps you in  patterns of emotional confidence and happiness or limitation and negativity.

So are you in charge of your money or is your money in charge of you? Are you in debt; are you taking positive actions to move forward?

Do you only react or respond to money issues when you can no longer put off the fact that your money relationship is  out of control and if you do not fix it you will ‘go down the drain hole’?  Are your credit cards out of control? Do you only take time to have  a relationship with your money when it is close to ‘disaster’? Do you keep repeating this pattern?

Do you try to grow your money? Do you plan in advance; do you have a budget; do you look after your financial records, are your finances under control and are they blossoming? Have you made the choice to take control of your money and have you stuck to the choices you have made? Your first decision is having the intention to take action to manage and grow your money no matter how little or how much you have.

You may need firstly to get out of debt; to do this you will need to assess your expenditure and if it greater than your income you need to decide what steps you can take to either increase your income or decrease your expenditure.

The power of intention is when you decide and make the choice to take the steps to be in charge of your financial wellbeing. You will need to support yourself every day until you change a pattern of behaviour that may have been with you and your family of origin for your whole life. You can do it; it is about choice and action; it is about commitment; hard work; perseverance; making finances a priority in your life; good habits and believing you deserve to create financial freedom and abundance. You may need professional help to start the process; you will need intention and action to complete the process and get your financial situation working for you and not against you.

Christina McMahon

Posted in Health, Relationships | 3 Comments

Cyberbullying Parent Resources

Posted on September 15, 2011 by e-therapy

With the increase of cyberbullying the response to assist parents increase their knowledge and skills has at last started to offer many useful sites that are both practical and informative. One site worth viewing is www.cyberbulling.info as it has some excellent pages. One page is ‘chat speak’ giving you the meanings of mobile and on line language of young pople today. Obviously this ‘type’ of language is evolving and will change; chat speak however is a good introduciton for a parent to understand what their teenager or child is actually communicating in the new language of the young. Christina

Posted in Cyber Matters, Parenting, Teenagers | 11 Comments

Using Children as Weapons Achiever Style 4

Posted on September 8, 2011 by e-therapy

Using Children as Weapons in Family Disputes

Achiever Personality Style © Copyright Material  Written by Christina McMahon

When you first meet they often will be clear and precise and have a feeling of strength about them. You may feel you can rely on them because of their clarity about where they are going and how they are going to get there. When something needs doing they just get on with it and often will take the load off you.

Often partners will attract their opposite and the opposite to an achiever is a harmoniser; it is like two polarities are attracting as magnets and it is in the relationship that each can move closer in skills to the strengths of their opposite and choose to learn new skills. Look for an ‘energetic or volatile’ relationship if you have two achievers together.

What they can do in a crisis?
(Remember we are only referring to the style when it is not working from the positive; many achievers have a high level of skill to negotiate and consider others needs.)
Can be aggressive depending on their skill level – can become very dominant, blunt, abrasive or in a few situations physically violent. The emotion they are experiencing is anger as they want the situation to change and they are not getting their way. Their primary need is to keep the power in the situation; especially if in the relationship they have always been the ones to call the shots and hold the power. The fear of losing power means they can’t ‘do’ what they want; the courts may be holding the power and this could intensify anger if the courts appear to treat them in an unfair manner.
How do they use children as weapons?
Because these people can be very strong they can demand a child to do what they really do not want to do; it may simply be in the way they speak. The child may be trying to ‘protect’ the other parent or minimise the anger in the battle of the parents. This can cause enormous stress in the child and it will depend on their emerging personality how they will be able to handle this situation – if the child is also this style they could be angry but if they turn it on themselves it will be deep resentment and eventually possibility illness. In extreme and limited situations the children may be fearful of this parent if volcanic tension of anger is evident when around the child. The child can be a weapon as the battle could be over the wellbeing of the child or other parent because of the anger of one parent.

When this personality style is operating well they will simply be very clear, firm, give easy to follow boundaries and expectations in a very loving manner to their children. However when anger is not dealt with the child may be intimidated or fearful of when the parent will next be angry and what that will mean for them or the other parent. A child caught in the battle of the parents can always be on watch to see if the situation is safe and this can result in many different behaviours and emotions; if the parent is very powerful in a negative manner it may mean they will suppress, be quiet and generally not communicate with this parent.

How does the ‘Balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?
Start to come from a compassionate heart.

(Impossible if your unresolved emotions are getting in the way).
Make sure you receive professional help to move through your emotional issues.

If this parent is out of control with anger it is often best not to be present when they are in extreme rage as the anger could be dumped on you. To be able to know how to manage a person in rage takes many skills. The ‘Harmoniser’ and often the ‘Responsible’ generally cannot handle this behaviour and become exceptionally hurt and defensive by the intensity of the anger directed at them. They may as they grow older learn to be more assertive and stand up to an angry achiever; however many people do not manage anger well when directed straight at them and really you need training to be able to help with this situation. To be able to stay in the presence of an extremely angry person you need to be able to be centred and have the ability to be appropriately assertive no matter what is thrown at you. This takes real skill.

Sometimes the reason for the breakdown in the relationship is the intensity of anger and the effect it can have on children.

Often in this situation it is best to have an advocate to talk for you or after everything has gone through the courts to set arrangements up so there is no contact of the battling ex-partners.

With regard to children the angry parent needs to be given evidence to strongly show what affect their anger can have on the welfare of their children. They still love their children but have allowed themselves to get out of control; anger controls them rather then they feel anger and use it constructively as a passion for change. They need to really recognise the importance of care, nurturing, love and reassurance and plenty of hugs and praise for their children.

They generally do not try to use their children as weapons (can change if a second style is very strong) they simply have become insensitive to the damage anger can do to their children.

(Training manual available: The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )

Posted in Children, Divorce & Separation, Parenting, Relationships | 48 Comments

Money and Stress

Posted on September 6, 2011 by e-therapy

Stress can be overwhelming if you do not take charge of your financial health. In many families the teaching of children about financial responsibility and the attitudes and skills needed for the creation of wealth simply do not exist. Survival ‘mentality’ is the generational ‘blue print’ in many families. Children learn about money; abundance; wealth; struggle; survival from what they are taught, modelled and react to as they grow to adulthood. What are you teaching your children today about money? What is their personality and what will their struggles be around money?

To start to change your life and relationship to money; survival or wealth you firstly need to have the intention to take charge of your financial well being. If you are in debt you need to get out of debt! If you are in serious debt you may need help. (One organisationt that will help is CAPS 1300227000) Is your expeniture greater than your income? What steps are you going to take to increase your income and reduce your expenditure? You cannot survive on credit cards and do well financially in life.

The power of intention is the first step; you decide and make a choice to take steps to support yourself and improve your financial situation. You stay positive; stop blaming everyone else; and decide you are going to change a pattern of behaviour and skill that may have been with you for your whole life. You can do it; you do have a choice; it is about commitment; hard work; perserverence; making finances a priority in your life; developing good habits and believing you do deserve to create financial wellbeing.

Posted in Health, Parenting | 3 Comments

Depression

Posted on September 5, 2011 by e-therapy

An early sign of depresssion for many people is the inability to take action. The challenges of life and  the perceived non ending ‘life blokages’ can test many of us to lose self confidence and hope that  something good will happen for us in ‘life’! When we least feel like taking action because of feeling low; ‘down, ‘hopeless’, overwelmed, or exhausted; is exactly when we need to take some action. You may need to sit in the sun until you feel a little better; walk the first telegraph pole today and add one every day until you are walking at least 30 minutes a day. You may need to answer that letter; ring the people or organisation you do not not want to talk to, or buy a paper and apply for a job, any job! What you need to do is take at least one small action and then choose again to take another action. Depression can intensify the more you do not take action; and it is only through action that something starts to move; start small and you will be amazed at how quickly change starts to happen. Christina

Posted in Health | 1 Comment

Expressing Your Emotions

Posted on August 30, 2011 by e-therapy

Expressing your emotions in the family and not hurting the kids!

Children are exceptionally sensitive to family high emotions; the younger they are the more they are ’emotional sponges’. It is beneficial to children that parents know how to manage and express emotions in an appropriate manner. Parents need to have skills and strategies to defuse high emotion; they need to learn assertive skills; they may need to recognise when they are ‘dumping’ their stress on a family member and choose a different strategy. We all need to communicate what we are feeling; it is how we do it that either benefits all involved or ‘hurt’ those we love.

Courses are available so a parent can learn to manage and express emotions so we do not hurt the kids. Parents are children communication models; what you do is what children learn; so learn new skills and limit harmful conflict in the family. (Christina)

Posted in Conflict Resolution | 28 Comments

Empowerment

Posted on August 29, 2011 by e-therapy

The challenge for many people is to empower themselves! Relationships give us the opportunity to experience disempowerment or empowerment. In couple relationships where respect is a foundation to how we view and treat the other person we are more likely to try to create  a relationship built on empowerment of both partners. Self esteem and self acceptance are both closely connected to feeling empowered. Empowerment at no times means power over another person it is the encouragement and ownership of who we are; what we can do and our sense of true self. (Chrisitna)

Posted in Relationships | 7 Comments