Using Children as Weapons in Family Disputes

Achiever Personality Style © Copyright Material  Written by Christina McMahon

When you first meet they often will be clear and precise and have a feeling of strength about them. You may feel you can rely on them because of their clarity about where they are going and how they are going to get there. When something needs doing they just get on with it and often will take the load off you.

Often partners will attract their opposite and the opposite to an achiever is a harmoniser; it is like two polarities are attracting as magnets and it is in the relationship that each can move closer in skills to the strengths of their opposite and choose to learn new skills. Look for an ‘energetic or volatile’ relationship if you have two achievers together.

What they can do in a crisis?
(Remember we are only referring to the style when it is not working from the positive; many achievers have a high level of skill to negotiate and consider others needs.)
Can be aggressive depending on their skill level – can become very dominant, blunt, abrasive or in a few situations physically violent. The emotion they are experiencing is anger as they want the situation to change and they are not getting their way. Their primary need is to keep the power in the situation; especially if in the relationship they have always been the ones to call the shots and hold the power. The fear of losing power means they can’t ‘do’ what they want; the courts may be holding the power and this could intensify anger if the courts appear to treat them in an unfair manner.
How do they use children as weapons?
Because these people can be very strong they can demand a child to do what they really do not want to do; it may simply be in the way they speak. The child may be trying to ‘protect’ the other parent or minimise the anger in the battle of the parents. This can cause enormous stress in the child and it will depend on their emerging personality how they will be able to handle this situation – if the child is also this style they could be angry but if they turn it on themselves it will be deep resentment and eventually possibility illness. In extreme and limited situations the children may be fearful of this parent if volcanic tension of anger is evident when around the child. The child can be a weapon as the battle could be over the wellbeing of the child or other parent because of the anger of one parent.

When this personality style is operating well they will simply be very clear, firm, give easy to follow boundaries and expectations in a very loving manner to their children. However when anger is not dealt with the child may be intimidated or fearful of when the parent will next be angry and what that will mean for them or the other parent. A child caught in the battle of the parents can always be on watch to see if the situation is safe and this can result in many different behaviours and emotions; if the parent is very powerful in a negative manner it may mean they will suppress, be quiet and generally not communicate with this parent.

How does the ‘Balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?
Start to come from a compassionate heart.

(Impossible if your unresolved emotions are getting in the way).
Make sure you receive professional help to move through your emotional issues.

If this parent is out of control with anger it is often best not to be present when they are in extreme rage as the anger could be dumped on you. To be able to know how to manage a person in rage takes many skills. The ‘Harmoniser’ and often the ‘Responsible’ generally cannot handle this behaviour and become exceptionally hurt and defensive by the intensity of the anger directed at them. They may as they grow older learn to be more assertive and stand up to an angry achiever; however many people do not manage anger well when directed straight at them and really you need training to be able to help with this situation. To be able to stay in the presence of an extremely angry person you need to be able to be centred and have the ability to be appropriately assertive no matter what is thrown at you. This takes real skill.

Sometimes the reason for the breakdown in the relationship is the intensity of anger and the effect it can have on children.

Often in this situation it is best to have an advocate to talk for you or after everything has gone through the courts to set arrangements up so there is no contact of the battling ex-partners.

With regard to children the angry parent needs to be given evidence to strongly show what affect their anger can have on the welfare of their children. They still love their children but have allowed themselves to get out of control; anger controls them rather then they feel anger and use it constructively as a passion for change. They need to really recognise the importance of care, nurturing, love and reassurance and plenty of hugs and praise for their children.

They generally do not try to use their children as weapons (can change if a second style is very strong) they simply have become insensitive to the damage anger can do to their children.

(Training manual available: The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )

Using Children as Weapons in Family Disputes

Harmoniser Style  Copyright Material  Written by Christina McMahon

When we examine the conflicts and intense emotions of people experencing divorce or separation it is often the escalation and intensity of ‘bad’ behaviour over children that leave many people shaking their heads in disbelief. When this continues for many years we are left with a very damaging situation to all involved; especially when ex-partners can’t move out of entrenched conflict; even when all the hard court battles are supposedly over. It is always easier to see what is going on when you view it from the side lines and when you are not emotionally involved.

How can the people involved stop what is happening?

How do we know we are not the problem or a large part of the problem?

Have you reached a place of the ‘compassionate heart’ or is your ego still running your emotions and behaviours. Are you displaying to your children exceptionally ‘bad’ or irrational behaviour; do you play games of retaliation, revenge, or are you in power struggles, do you want control or want to be the centre of attention.

Are you communicating in a constructive manner to your children?

Do you try to protect your children from out of control emotions; or do you use your intense emotions to manipulate the child as a weapon for revenge, power or control; or are you simply oblivious to the needs of your children because you are so caught up in your ‘emotional history’, that you have put blinkers on to the damage you are psychologically doing to your child.

There are four main personality patterns people may experience when their unresolved ego issues are stimulated through crisis. You are probably a combination of different patterns; with different intensitie, at different stages of the grief process.When we are foccussed on the negative or unresolved we could feel like doing the following. Take revenge  or retaliate; stay in a power struggle; act out control issues; engage in attention seeking behaviours.

So when parents use children as weapons in their continual conflict with and ex-partner they will revert to behaviours that can be identified from these personality needs and fears.

Why do they do this? They do it because they do not have the personal knowledge or skills to manage the conflict situation in a constructive manner and at the same time at a very deep psychological level are hurt, pained, angry, and fearful.

So basically unresolved ego/ personality issues are being triggered and they are linked to intense emotions.

So how do parents use their own children as weapons?

Behavioural patterns and intense emotions responses or reactions are complex; they can be understood and defused through counselling. You can learn to communicate in a manner that will assist your children live a happy life and not grow up with too many unresolved childhood issues!

Lets Identify Personality 1 of the 4 Typical Personality Styles

These are some of the patterns triggered in parents when they use children as weapons.

We are referring to unresolved issues of these styles not to people who operate out of the positive of the style.

Harmoniser
When you first met they are usually loving, quiet, nurturing, supportive, and giving, the perfect mother or father image.
What they can do in crisis?
Passive Aggressive – one moment nice and charming and the next attacking. Often they can be seen as the victim to the intimidating partner.
They can choose revenge/retaliation but will not admit to themselves that this is what they are doing.

How do they use children as weapons?
Because these people are natural nurturers when not in crisis they generally will have very close or co-dependant relationships with their children – they would have done a lot of nurturing of their children and will often see their children as theirs. The children often feel an incredible loyalty to these patents. If it is the mother, a boy may feel they have to protect this person because the child will feel that this parent is more sensitive then the other parent; a girl may feel they need to look after the father. The parent may cry, be remorseful in front of the child; tell the child things about the other parent; explain why they are really trying to protect the child. The close loving nurturing of this parent generally forms close attachments with the child and this loyalty will help in the games being played. The child becomes a weapon because they are trying to make everything OK for this parent and some times they are very subtly convinced by this parent that the only way to do this is to be loyal to them, and not see the other parent or look after the parent. Often these children will grow up feeling it is their responsibility to look after this parent because they are not capable of looking after themselves. Add illness (depression; mental disorders; high blood pressure) to this and intensify the problem for the child.

Most of this happens without conscious awareness this is what is happening.

So how does a ‘balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?
Start to come from compassionate heart. (Impossible if your own unresolved issues are in the way)
Make sure you get professional help to move through your emotional issues.
Meet the needs of the ex-partner where you can and it is reasonable – their needs are security and belonging. How can you help this to be achieved for the sake of your child?
Take everything slowly; as they adjust very slowly to change.
If you made the choice to finish the relationship realise it will take them a long time to really accept it is finished. They may try to hang on in any way they can – like through the children.
Don’t react to the ex-partners games; observe, stay calm, know your own rights and state them calmly.
Speak to them in a friendly manner; the harsher you are the more likely they will shift to revenge. They have more difficulty being vengeful to people who are nice as it is how they see themselves.
Make your home safe and enjoyable for the child. Build a loving relationship with your child where they can be a child and have fun.
Teach your child values in a loving and supportive manner – let them start to work it out for themselves.
Make sure your child does not feel they have to look after you.
Don’t judge or criticise the ex-parent to the child.
Gently state your concern for the child’s wellbeing, at the bottom line they are nurturers.
Next style is Personality Style Adventurer

(Training manual available: The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )