e-therapy - Part 2

Cyberbullying Teenagers

Posted on July 19, 2011 by e-therapy

Source: Edited from the Raising Children Network

When young people experience bullying behaviour online, it can be difficult to spot. To help your child, you can learn about cyberbullying – what it is, when to step in, and what to do about it.

Did you know?

In a recent study; 20% of all teenage girls surveyed said they’d been cyberbullied.
The problem was most common in girls – nearly 1 in 4 reported having been the victim of cyberbulllying.

What is cyberbullying?

Cyberbullying is online bullying using modern communication technology to deliberately and repeatedly harrass, humiliate, embarrass, torment, threaten, pick on or intimidate someone.

Cyberbullying happens in lots of different ways – by mobile phone, text messages, email, or through social networking sites such as Facebook. Examples of cyberbullying include sending anonymous threatening emails, spreading rumours on the school e-bulletin board to break up friendships, or setting up an unkind or unpleasant fake social networking account using real photos and contact details.

Effects of cyberbullying

Cyberbullying can leave teenagers with low self-esteem, less interest in school and a deep sense of loneliness. Some feel they have no safe place, because the bullying can happen anywhere there’s internet or mobile access. It can also happen at any time of the day or night.

Nearly one quarter (23%) of children who use mobile phones have reported receiving a threatening or abusive text, and 14% reported sending one.

Helping your child avoid cyberbullies

You can help make cyberbullying less likely to happen to your child by:

discussing cyberbullying when your child first starts to use the internet or a mobile phone. Talk about what forms cyberbullying can take, the consequences it can have, and how it’s best to never pass along or reply to bullying material
talking with your child about online friends and messaging friend lists. Explain that adding someone your child doesn’t really know as a ‘buddy’ or ‘friend’ gives that person access to information about her that could be used for bullying.
teaching your child not to give out passwords to friends. Some teenagers do this as a sign of trust, but a password gives other people the power to pose as your child online.
teaching your child to ‘think before posting’. Young people who post personal information online (like suggestive photos or videos) can also attract unwanted attention, negative comments or ridicule. This kind of personal information might be available online for a long time, well after your child is comfortable with other people seeing it.

A recent study suggested that 20% of teenagers have engaged in cyberbullying behaviour at some point. There’s no denying that cyberbullying is harmful. But if 20% of teenagers have engaged in bullying or been bullied, that means that 80% are using the internet happily and responsibly.

How to spot cyberbullying

Cyberbullying can be tough to spot. Many young people who are being bullied don’t want to tell teachers or parents, perhaps because they feel ashamed or they worry about losing their computer privileges at home.

As a parent, you might find it hard to keep up with the different technologies your child uses. Or you might not know how to bring up the subject of cyberbullying.
Some warning signs that your child might be the victim of cyberbullying include:

being upset during or after using the internet
withdrawing from friends and activities
being more moody than usual, or showing obvious changes in behaviour, sleep or appetite
spending much longer than usual online, or refusing to use the computer at all
exiting or clicking out of a computer activity if a person walks by
avoiding school or group gatherings
bringing home lower marks than usual
‘acting out’ in anger at home
having trouble sleeping
feeling sick or complaining of frequent headaches or stomach aches.

Worried your child might be the one doing the bullying? For ideas on encouraging your child to treat other people with respect online, you could read our article on being a responsible cybercitizen.

Helping teens handle cyberbullying

If teenagers are being bullied online, it’s great for them to feel they have some power to resolve the problem on their own. These six steps are a good way for your child to get rid of the bully:

Go block or delete the person engaging in cyberbullying. Blocking from friend lists helps stop the person engaging in cyberbullying from posting or uploading offensive content about your child. If it’s a text message or call, you can call the service provider and have the calls/texts monitored. If necessary, the service provider can even contact the sender, since mobile phone holders breech their contract if they use their phone to bully. If necessary, you can change the phone number.
Ensure you keep evidence of bullying. Save and print out any bullying messages (use the print screen key, at the top right of most keyboards).
Tell someone. Sharing feelings with a parent, older sibling, relative, teacher or close friend will help keep your child from feeling isolated.
Report abuse. Reporting bullying to web administrators is usually as easy as clicking on a ‘report abuse’ link on a website. The website will remove the offensive content. There could also be consequences for the person engaging in bullying. If your child has been threatened, he should also report it to the local police.
Ignore bullying behaviour. This means not responding aggressively to taunts. It’s OK for your child to tell the person engaging in bullying to stop, but they shouldn’t try to fight fire with fire.
Delete the bullying message (after saving a copy), and don’t forward via text or send chat logs to others.

You might like to check out our illustrated guide to stopping cyberbullying. It’s a handy reference that you could print out for both you and your child to use.

Helping teens who have been cyberbullied

Your child won’t always be able to solve cyberbullying problems independently. It’s always worth stepping in if you’re concerned about them, as you’ll be able to help practically and emotionally.

Loving support is vital. Also:

talk to your child – listen to his side of the story, and reassure him that the bullying isn’t his fault
let your child know that you’ll help and that things will get better
stay calm and resist the temptation to ban the internet in your home. Banning online activities will only make your child less likely to share her online problems
speak with the school if the problem involves a classmate. It’s best to make sure your child knows about your interaction with the school, and that he has a say in the process.

How cyberbullying is different from other bullying

Cyberbullying is different from other kinds of bullying, for both the person engaging in bullying and the victim.

People using bullying behaviour will often act more boldly online than if they were facing their victim in person. Sending taunts remotely and anonymously makes the person doing the bullying feel safer. The victim’s physical or emotional response, which might change or soften the bullying behaviour, can’t be seen.
For the person being bullied, cyberbullying is tough to deal with. Because teenagers use mobiles and the internet so often, bullying can happen at any time, not just when they’re at school. The victim might not know who’s doing the bullying or when the bully will strike next. This can make teenagers feel persecuted and unsafe, even at home.

Bullying messages posted online are very hard to get rid of. These messages can be forwarded instantly and seen by many people, instead of just a few kids in the schoolyard.

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Posted in News, Parenting, Teenagers | 39 Comments

New autism programme brings hope to families

Posted on July 10, 2011 by e-therapy

New autism program brings hope to families
By Stefanie Menezes
Updated Mon Jul 4, 2011 1:58pm AEST

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/07/04/3260466.htm

Story Reduced:

It is estimated at least 30,000 children in Australia have an autism spectrum disorder.
Helping or educating an autistic child can be difficult as support services are rare and expensive.
A new model, known as the Self Advocacy Curriculum, is being adopted in American schools to help children with autism help themselves.
Valerie Paradiz, whose autistic son first started primary school in New York in 1994, says he had a difficult time communicating and interacting with other people.
“I saw that teachers really struggled, although they seemed in part to understand that there were these components of children needing to really identify what their own disability required of them in terms of navigating environment,” she said.
Ms Paradiz, a university professor, left academia soon after that and started an after-hours school to help students on the autism spectrum.
A few years later she developed the Self Advocacy Curriculum.
“To help teachers and therapists and parents to learn how to develop ability in advocating for oneself,” she said.
“That ability can range from understanding your civil rights and entitlements to understanding what kinds of sensory or social differences you might have.”…
She designed the program to help them speak up.
“It could be as easy as asking ‘can I turn the lights off?’,” she said.
The curriculum was soon piloted in public schools across New York.
…. The results, she said, were groundbreaking.
“What it is showing is not only can our children recognise their needs but they can advocate to have those needs met and they can take these skills and use them in an environment in which they have not been directly taught to use them,” she said.
“A huge challenge for individuals with autism is that they use interventions or strategies only in the environment that they were taught them.”…
Kara Potter is the director of The Learning Ways group, a not-for profit after-schools program set up to help children on the autism spectrum.
For the past year she has been testing the curriculum out on a small group and agrees the results are impressive.
“We saw some very significant changes in the sense of wellbeing that the children were expressing after being part of the work that we did with them,” she said.
“In particular we saw children being able to start to discriminate and make decisions for themselves.”
Currently, intervention programs in Australia are limited and none of them are coordinated nationally.

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Posted in Children, Health, News | 1 Comment

Using Children as Weapons Harmoniser Style 1

Posted on July 10, 2011 by e-therapy

Using Children as Weapons in Family Disputes

Harmoniser Style Copyright Material Written by Christina McMahon

When we examine the conflicts and intense emotions of people experencing divorce or separation it is often the escalation and intensity of ‘bad’ behaviour over children that leave many people shaking their heads in disbelief. When this continues for many years we are left with a very damaging situation to all involved; especially when ex-partners can’t move out of entrenched conflict; even when all the hard court battles are supposedly over. It is always easier to see what is going on when you view it from the side lines and when you are not emotionally involved.

How can the people involved stop what is happening?

How do we know we are not the problem or a large part of the problem?

Have you reached a place of the ‘compassionate heart’ or is your ego still running your emotions and behaviours. Are you displaying to your children exceptionally ‘bad’ or irrational behaviour; do you play games of retaliation, revenge, or are you in power struggles, do you want control or want to be the centre of attention.

Are you communicating in a constructive manner to your children?

Do you try to protect your children from out of control emotions; or do you use your intense emotions to manipulate the child as a weapon for revenge, power or control; or are you simply oblivious to the needs of your children because you are so caught up in your ‘emotional history’, that you have put blinkers on to the damage you are psychologically doing to your child.

There are four main personality patterns people may experience when their unresolved ego issues are stimulated through crisis. You are probably a combination of different patterns; with different intensitie, at different stages of the grief process.When we are foccussed on the negative or unresolved we could feel like doing the following. Take revenge or retaliate; stay in a power struggle; act out control issues; engage in attention seeking behaviours.

So when parents use children as weapons in their continual conflict with and ex-partner they will revert to behaviours that can be identified from these personality needs and fears.

Why do they do this? They do it because they do not have the personal knowledge or skills to manage the conflict situation in a constructive manner and at the same time at a very deep psychological level are hurt, pained, angry, and fearful.

So basically unresolved ego/ personality issues are being triggered and they are linked to intense emotions.

So how do parents use their own children as weapons?

Behavioural patterns and intense emotions responses or reactions are complex; they can be understood and defused through counselling. You can learn to communicate in a manner that will assist your children live a happy life and not grow up with too many unresolved childhood issues!

Lets Identify Personality 1 of the 4 Typical Personality Styles

These are some of the patterns triggered in parents when they use children as weapons.

We are referring to unresolved issues of these styles not to people who operate out of the positive of the style.

Harmoniser
When you first met they are usually loving, quiet, nurturing, supportive, and giving, the perfect mother or father image.
What they can do in crisis?
Passive Aggressive – one moment nice and charming and the next attacking. Often they can be seen as the victim to the intimidating partner.
They can choose revenge/retaliation but will not admit to themselves that this is what they are doing.

How do they use children as weapons?
Because these people are natural nurturers when not in crisis they generally will have very close or co-dependant relationships with their children – they would have done a lot of nurturing of their children and will often see their children as theirs. The children often feel an incredible loyalty to these patents. If it is the mother, a boy may feel they have to protect this person because the child will feel that this parent is more sensitive then the other parent; a girl may feel they need to look after the father. The parent may cry, be remorseful in front of the child; tell the child things about the other parent; explain why they are really trying to protect the child. The close loving nurturing of this parent generally forms close attachments with the child and this loyalty will help in the games being played. The child becomes a weapon because they are trying to make everything OK for this parent and some times they are very subtly convinced by this parent that the only way to do this is to be loyal to them, and not see the other parent or look after the parent. Often these children will grow up feeling it is their responsibility to look after this parent because they are not capable of looking after themselves. Add illness (depression; mental disorders; high blood pressure) to this and intensify the problem for the child.

Most of this happens without conscious awareness this is what is happening.

So how does a ‘balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?
Start to come from compassionate heart. (Impossible if your own unresolved issues are in the way)
Make sure you get professional help to move through your emotional issues.
Meet the needs of the ex-partner where you can and it is reasonable – their needs are security and belonging. How can you help this to be achieved for the sake of your child?
Take everything slowly; as they adjust very slowly to change.
If you made the choice to finish the relationship realise it will take them a long time to really accept it is finished. They may try to hang on in any way they can – like through the children.
Don’t react to the ex-partners games; observe, stay calm, know your own rights and state them calmly.
Speak to them in a friendly manner; the harsher you are the more likely they will shift to revenge. They have more difficulty being vengeful to people who are nice as it is how they see themselves.
Make your home safe and enjoyable for the child. Build a loving relationship with your child where they can be a child and have fun.
Teach your child values in a loving and supportive manner – let them start to work it out for themselves.
Make sure your child does not feel they have to look after you.
Don’t judge or criticise the ex-parent to the child.
Gently state your concern for the child’s wellbeing, at the bottom line they are nurturers.
Next style is Personality Style Adventurer

(Training manual available: The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )

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Posted in Children, Divorce & Separation, Parenting, Relationships | 22 Comments

Aftermath of Divorce – Useful Resource for Therapists

Posted on July 10, 2011 by e-therapy

Aftermath of Divorce: Useful Resource for Therapists

Constance Ahrons, (1994) ‘What’s Normal in Divorce’ In ‘The Good Divorce’ Harper and Collins

Summary of some of the points made by Ahrons: Page 47-74 (Summarised C McMahon)

Obviously there are healthy ways of managing a divorce which can protect children. a summarised outline of the differences in the typologies Ahrons proposed from her research study of 98 families.

Ahons considered the variables that needed to be researched; see below:
- The quality of co-parental communication – inter-parental conflict and mutual support – co-parenting relationships affecting child’s adjustment.
- Non residential parents’ involvement with children – frequency and duration spent with child and extent of involvement with child
- Custody arrangement
- Psychological variables; anger, guilt; positive feelings spouses; attachment former spouse; psychological distance former spouses; attitudes to divorce; feelings to former spouse as a parent; psychiatric symptoms.
- Co-parent interaction – re child rearing issues.

The Typologies (the clustering of people together based on similarities) Ahons developed the following:

Perfect pals – high interactors – high communicators – basically best friends – well connected with family and friends – still part of extended family – share certain times together e.g. meal- unusual access agreements, flexibility, lives entwined.
Cooperative Colleagues – moderate interactors – high communicators – cooperation around issues around the children – not friends but civil – split times; talked frequently about children – occasional special time together e.g. birthday, – not involved in each other lives – ability to compartmentalize their relationship – child first, contact because of children.
Angry Associates – moderate interactors – low communicators – angry when communicated and only communicated because of children – let anger spread inter related and non related child issues – tense, hostile and open conflicts– all some form of sole custody arrangement
Fiery Foes – low interactors – low communicators – rarely interacted if they did usually fought – high litigious divorce for years – not able to work out arrangements for children and often 3rd person involved to help; anger seem to increase with contacts – clung to wrongs of couple relationship and exaggerated – could not let go high attachment through anger – polarized child contact arrangements – fathers often start not to see children and only talk through solicitors.
Dissolved Duos – entirely discontinue contact – could kidnap, geographical leaving of areas – disappearing not paying child support – single parent family – may return to claim parent right after years of separation.

50% of the samples were categorized as Fiery Foes or Angry Associates 1 year post divorce. What could children be exposed to by parents in these groups-

- Children see parent unable to communicate at home or in public places; such as schools events; bring their anger to these functions; later to marriage ceremonies; embarrassment, upset, confusion
- A parent could be excluded from an event and child feel guilty or torn because of loyalty ties; may feel they need to tell lies to protect a parent.
- Feel their telephone calls are being monitored and listened to; become message carriers; listen as emotional supports to a parent; can’t have non interrupted time with a parent as other always on telephone.
- Contact would be angry and could feel like a tug of war and they are the prized target when all they want is their family. Feelings of embarrassment; sadness, anger, overwhelm, feeling like they have to be the parent. Feeling they need to take sides when they don’t want to.
- Loyalty conflicts leave them trying to look after the wounds and feeling of one or both parents. Or they start to be able to use the family conflict to get what they want at the same time as feeling ‘destroyed’ by the conflict. May not even be able to mention the other parent; loss of family.
- Their role changes and they need to take more responsibility or a different role; confidant to mum or emotional support to dad. As grow confused about their roles, the role of mum and dad; they make decisions about their future; e.g. I am never going to get married.
- Children exposed to the ‘worst’ behaviors, feelings, role changes, revenge, hatred and confusion on a daily basis with warring couples and not feeling they have a voice or are at all important as number 1 in parents perspectives.