• A skilled therapist allows the child to have a ‘buffer’; which supports parents to start to separate child issues from couple issues.
• To carry out successful child therapy consultations the therapist needs to be creative in the tools they bring to a therapy session; the use of drawings, pictures, sand play, play with specific aims (e.g. a selection of fierce animals), bear cards, shadow cards, 3 wishes, story completion, house drawings or pictures, imaginative dreams are some ideas a child therapist may use.
• All tools, skills and ideas in child therapy are important; identifying how the child is presenting  is a real skill of the therapist; the therapist needs to be creative in offering them a medium they are comfortable with to tell their story and express their emotions.  Any play object that can be connected to the child story can be used well be a therapist.
• E.g. when working with a 5 year old, the child had an obsession with possession of fierce animals; tigers, crocodiles etc. The child was encouraged to talk as one of these animals and answer questions from an animal voice explaining why the animal was very important to him. The information elicited was very insightful and as the mother was present and listening was ‘blown’ away by what she learnt about how her son was not coping with the couple’s conflict. Spontaneity and creativity of the child therapist is a skill; the room and resources in the room need to be extensive so the child can be encouraged to interact using many mediums; even some teenagers will happily use drama or a skit to be able to tell a story; which in fact is how they are really feeling about all the issues of separation from a child’s or young person’a point of view.

 The Responsible Parent 

When you first meet they are often reserved, careful and systematic in how they approach life. You will feel extremely stable with a very responsible and trustworthy ‘anchor’ in your life.

What they can do in a crisis if unskilled? They can be either passive or aggressive depending on their second style. They are often pedantic, can close down emotionally and be considered cold, aloof and calculating. Their primary need is to stay in control of self and the situation. They fear losing emotional and practical control so they could be insensitive to the hurt or pain of the other parent and in some cases their own children.

How do they use children as weapons?

They are very capable and good planners so they plan their future. They spend time to make sure they have all the correct details and facts for a court case and they generally will be perfectly prepared. They control situations as they have analysed and planned responses long before the other person have thought out some possible repercussions.

With children they will have their hand on the pulse; knowing exactly all their rights. They can be inflexible around rights so they often use the child as a weapon to upset the other parent and demand their rights. If a child becomes upset with arrangements for access the Responsible style parent may not meet the child’s emotional needs. The Responsible parent could have suppressed feelings of inadequacy from the breakdown of the relationship; their reaction with their child can be seen to be insensitive and cold even if they really love their child; regaining a sense of control is what is so important for them to feel adequate once again. Their second style will determine if they can shift to a nurturing role or angry role. The child may have difficulty staying attached to this parent, they can feel shut out and not realise the parent emotions are often so controlled that this parent is not doing well. It not uncommon for older children to align more with the overtly emotional parent as they seem to need them more!

How does the ‘balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?

Make sure you receive professional help to move through your emotional issues.

Assist the other parent to feel in control through clarity of arrangements and keeping to agreed conditions and plans. They need to feel they have some control; if they feel out of control or inadequate or helpless their child could be hurt as a battle ‘rages’ over right and wrong; agreements; responsibilities; and even over routines and behaviour management issues. They respond cautiously to change and will be disorientated for a long period of time. If you choose to end the relationship and they feel rejected, they will feel inadequate and not perfect and this could mean they become over controlling. Speak to them quietly giving clear information about arrangements or write out arrangements in a listed manner. They find it hard to judge and criticise if you play everything by the “book”. If you are over emotional they will respond by building a case against you as being irrational or unstable. Give them evidence on the affect stress and family conflict has on children and how they need care, nurturing, love and reassurance and plenty of hugs and praise. Don’t talk at them; simply find the facts to give them!  (Training manual available:

The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )

The Adventurer Parent Copyright Material  Written by Christina McMahon

When you first meet they are often charming; sociable; exciting; enthusiastic and fun to be with it; this person makes life interesting and vibrant.

What do they do in a crisis if unskilled? They can be passive or aggressive, very manipulative and sometimes subtle. If highly educated can be cynical, sarcastic and very clever with words to make sure they are still the centre of attention. Females can use emotional drama to get their way and men can use emotional charm or distraction to get their way. (These are generalisations). Often have very close relationships with their children built on having fun and breaking routines, boundaries and behaviour expectations; seen as child like when with the child.

How do they use children as weapons?

Because they are the natural entertainers and charmers the relationship with their children is focussed on having fun. They are not always responsible to support suitable behaviour management boundaries or limits. They can manipulate their children; they are the fun and exciting parent who allows the child do things that the responsible parent will not allow. They are very persuasive through their ability to create relationship based on charm. They can use children as weapons by encouraging a child to see the other parent as the boring, over protective or too harsh parent; causing the parent who is trying to establish routines to be seen as the problem parent who does not know how to relax and enjoy themselves. If they have available money they could offer children treats; exciting trips; days out; latest expensive toys etc. They are buying the ‘love’ of the child. The other parent is wrong; not as good; boring; too strict; and stops the child from ‘playing’. One parent is irresponsible and the other could be over responsible! The child may end up supporting the breaking of parenting agreements to have fun with the irresponsible and fun parent.

So how does the ‘balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?

Make sure you get professional help to move through your emotional issues.

Meet the needs of the other parent where you can and it is reasonable, their needs are recognition and change. This parent really wants attention so they need to be ‘called’ on what they are doing; especially the manipulation. Not easy if you can’t do it in a way that deescalates the behaviour. This parent can change quickly when attention is received from another source; they could ‘forget’ their own child and become distracted. When they see their child again they will be totally charming even if they have simply disappeared from the child for a period of time. They don’t mean to hurt their child, their need for attention is great, they can blow hot and cold as a parent. When with the child; the child wants them to be with them, maybe more then with you. They will love their child however sometimes their personality needs unintentionally creates destructive situations for the child. When not with the child the responsible parent then has to pick up the pieces of the discarding of attention. This parent claims you’re the problem as they have fun with children. You need to use practical means to encourage this parent to be responsible. Not easy! Make sure you have fun times with your child in a framework that is responsible so they can see you can have fun and also be responsible. Help the child understand the other parent loves them but could always come and go because of who they. 

(Training manual available: The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )

Achiever Personality Style © Copyright Material  Written by Christina McMahon

When you first meet they often will be clear and precise and have a feeling of strength about them. You may feel you can rely on them because of their clarity about where they are going and how they are going to get there. When something needs doing they just get on with it and often will take the load off you.

Often partners will attract their opposite and the opposite to an achiever is a harmoniser; it is like two polarities are attracting as magnets and it is in the relationship that each can move closer in skills to the strengths of their opposite and choose to learn new skills. Look for an ‘energetic or volatile’ relationship if you have two achievers together.

What they can do in a crisis?
(Remember we are only referring to the style when it is not working from the positive; many achievers have a high level of skill to negotiate and consider others needs.)
Can be aggressive depending on their skill level – can become very dominant, blunt, abrasive or in a few situations physically violent. The emotion they are experiencing is anger as they want the situation to change and they are not getting their way. Their primary need is to keep the power in the situation; especially if in the relationship they have always been the ones to call the shots and hold the power. The fear of losing power means they can’t ‘do’ what they want; the courts may be holding the power and this could intensify anger if the courts appear to treat them in an unfair manner.
How do they use children as weapons?
Because these people can be very strong they can demand a child to do what they really do not want to do; it may simply be in the way they speak. The child may be trying to ‘protect’ the other parent or minimise the anger in the battle of the parents. This can cause enormous stress in the child and it will depend on their emerging personality how they will be able to handle this situation – if the child is also this style they could be angry but if they turn it on themselves it will be deep resentment and eventually possibility illness. In extreme and limited situations the children may be fearful of this parent if volcanic tension of anger is evident when around the child. The child can be a weapon as the battle could be over the wellbeing of the child or other parent because of the anger of one parent.

When this personality style is operating well they will simply be very clear, firm, give easy to follow boundaries and expectations in a very loving manner to their children. However when anger is not dealt with the child may be intimidated or fearful of when the parent will next be angry and what that will mean for them or the other parent. A child caught in the battle of the parents can always be on watch to see if the situation is safe and this can result in many different behaviours and emotions; if the parent is very powerful in a negative manner it may mean they will suppress, be quiet and generally not communicate with this parent.

How does the ‘Balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?
Start to come from a compassionate heart.

(Impossible if your unresolved emotions are getting in the way).
Make sure you receive professional help to move through your emotional issues.

If this parent is out of control with anger it is often best not to be present when they are in extreme rage as the anger could be dumped on you. To be able to know how to manage a person in rage takes many skills. The ‘Harmoniser’ and often the ‘Responsible’ generally cannot handle this behaviour and become exceptionally hurt and defensive by the intensity of the anger directed at them. They may as they grow older learn to be more assertive and stand up to an angry achiever; however many people do not manage anger well when directed straight at them and really you need training to be able to help with this situation. To be able to stay in the presence of an extremely angry person you need to be able to be centred and have the ability to be appropriately assertive no matter what is thrown at you. This takes real skill.

Sometimes the reason for the breakdown in the relationship is the intensity of anger and the effect it can have on children.

Often in this situation it is best to have an advocate to talk for you or after everything has gone through the courts to set arrangements up so there is no contact of the battling ex-partners.

With regard to children the angry parent needs to be given evidence to strongly show what affect their anger can have on the welfare of their children. They still love their children but have allowed themselves to get out of control; anger controls them rather then they feel anger and use it constructively as a passion for change. They need to really recognise the importance of care, nurturing, love and reassurance and plenty of hugs and praise for their children.

They generally do not try to use their children as weapons (can change if a second style is very strong) they simply have become insensitive to the damage anger can do to their children.

(Training manual available: The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )

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Harmoniser Style  Copyright Material  Written by Christina McMahon

When we examine the conflicts and intense emotions of people experencing divorce or separation it is often the escalation and intensity of ‘bad’ behaviour over children that leave many people shaking their heads in disbelief. When this continues for many years we are left with a very damaging situation to all involved; especially when ex-partners can’t move out of entrenched conflict; even when all the hard court battles are supposedly over. It is always easier to see what is going on when you view it from the side lines and when you are not emotionally involved.

How can the people involved stop what is happening?

How do we know we are not the problem or a large part of the problem?

Have you reached a place of the ‘compassionate heart’ or is your ego still running your emotions and behaviours. Are you displaying to your children exceptionally ‘bad’ or irrational behaviour; do you play games of retaliation, revenge, or are you in power struggles, do you want control or want to be the centre of attention.

Are you communicating in a constructive manner to your children?

Do you try to protect your children from out of control emotions; or do you use your intense emotions to manipulate the child as a weapon for revenge, power or control; or are you simply oblivious to the needs of your children because you are so caught up in your ‘emotional history’, that you have put blinkers on to the damage you are psychologically doing to your child.

There are four main personality patterns people may experience when their unresolved ego issues are stimulated through crisis. You are probably a combination of different patterns; with different intensitie, at different stages of the grief process.When we are foccussed on the negative or unresolved we could feel like doing the following. Take revenge  or retaliate; stay in a power struggle; act out control issues; engage in attention seeking behaviours.

So when parents use children as weapons in their continual conflict with and ex-partner they will revert to behaviours that can be identified from these personality needs and fears.

Why do they do this? They do it because they do not have the personal knowledge or skills to manage the conflict situation in a constructive manner and at the same time at a very deep psychological level are hurt, pained, angry, and fearful.

So basically unresolved ego/ personality issues are being triggered and they are linked to intense emotions.

So how do parents use their own children as weapons?

Behavioural patterns and intense emotions responses or reactions are complex; they can be understood and defused through counselling. You can learn to communicate in a manner that will assist your children live a happy life and not grow up with too many unresolved childhood issues!

Lets Identify Personality 1 of the 4 Typical Personality Styles

These are some of the patterns triggered in parents when they use children as weapons.

We are referring to unresolved issues of these styles not to people who operate out of the positive of the style.

Harmoniser
When you first met they are usually loving, quiet, nurturing, supportive, and giving, the perfect mother or father image.
What they can do in crisis?
Passive Aggressive – one moment nice and charming and the next attacking. Often they can be seen as the victim to the intimidating partner.
They can choose revenge/retaliation but will not admit to themselves that this is what they are doing.

How do they use children as weapons?
Because these people are natural nurturers when not in crisis they generally will have very close or co-dependant relationships with their children – they would have done a lot of nurturing of their children and will often see their children as theirs. The children often feel an incredible loyalty to these patents. If it is the mother, a boy may feel they have to protect this person because the child will feel that this parent is more sensitive then the other parent; a girl may feel they need to look after the father. The parent may cry, be remorseful in front of the child; tell the child things about the other parent; explain why they are really trying to protect the child. The close loving nurturing of this parent generally forms close attachments with the child and this loyalty will help in the games being played. The child becomes a weapon because they are trying to make everything OK for this parent and some times they are very subtly convinced by this parent that the only way to do this is to be loyal to them, and not see the other parent or look after the parent. Often these children will grow up feeling it is their responsibility to look after this parent because they are not capable of looking after themselves. Add illness (depression; mental disorders; high blood pressure) to this and intensify the problem for the child.

Most of this happens without conscious awareness this is what is happening.

So how does a ‘balanced’ parent help to break the pattern?
Start to come from compassionate heart. (Impossible if your own unresolved issues are in the way)
Make sure you get professional help to move through your emotional issues.
Meet the needs of the ex-partner where you can and it is reasonable – their needs are security and belonging. How can you help this to be achieved for the sake of your child?
Take everything slowly; as they adjust very slowly to change.
If you made the choice to finish the relationship realise it will take them a long time to really accept it is finished. They may try to hang on in any way they can – like through the children.
Don’t react to the ex-partners games; observe, stay calm, know your own rights and state them calmly.
Speak to them in a friendly manner; the harsher you are the more likely they will shift to revenge. They have more difficulty being vengeful to people who are nice as it is how they see themselves.
Make your home safe and enjoyable for the child. Build a loving relationship with your child where they can be a child and have fun.
Teach your child values in a loving and supportive manner – let them start to work it out for themselves.
Make sure your child does not feel they have to look after you.
Don’t judge or criticise the ex-parent to the child.
Gently state your concern for the child’s wellbeing, at the bottom line they are nurturers.
Next style is Personality Style Adventurer

(Training manual available: The Ego Self www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au )

Constance Ahrons, (1994) ‘What’s Normal in Divorce’ In  ‘The Good Divorce’ Harper and Collins

Summary of some of the points made by Ahrons: Page 47-74 (Summarised C McMahon)

Obviously there are healthy ways of managing a divorce which can protect children.  a summarised outline of the differences in the typologies Ahrons proposed from her research study of 98 families.

Ahons considered the variables that needed to be researched; see below:
- The quality of co-parental communication – inter-parental conflict and mutual support – co-parenting relationships affecting child’s adjustment.
- Non residential parents’ involvement with children – frequency and duration spent with child and extent of involvement with child
- Custody arrangement
- Psychological variables; anger, guilt; positive feelings spouses; attachment former spouse; psychological distance former spouses; attitudes to divorce; feelings to former spouse as a parent; psychiatric symptoms.
- Co-parent interaction – re child rearing issues.

The Typologies (the clustering of people together based on similarities) Ahons developed the following:

• Perfect pals – high interactors – high communicators – basically best friends – well connected with family and friends – still part of extended family – share certain times together e.g. meal- unusual access agreements, flexibility, lives entwined.
• Cooperative Colleagues – moderate interactors – high communicators – cooperation around issues around the children – not friends but civil – split times; talked frequently about children – occasional special time together e.g. birthday, – not involved in each other lives – ability to compartmentalize their relationship – child first, contact because of children.
• Angry Associates – moderate interactors – low communicators – angry when communicated and  only communicated because of children – let anger spread inter related and non related child issues – tense, hostile and open conflicts– all some form of sole custody arrangement
• Fiery Foes – low interactors – low communicators – rarely interacted if they did usually fought – high litigious divorce for years – not able to work out arrangements for children and often 3rd person involved to help; anger seem to increase with contacts – clung to wrongs of couple relationship and exaggerated – could not let go high attachment through anger – polarized child contact arrangements – fathers often start not to see children and only talk through solicitors.
• Dissolved Duos – entirely discontinue contact – could kidnap, geographical leaving of areas – disappearing not paying child support – single parent family – may return to claim parent right after years of separation.

50% of the samples were categorized as Fiery Foes or Angry Associates 1 year post divorce. What could children be exposed to by parents in these groups-

- Children see parent unable to communicate at home or in public places; such as schools events; bring their anger to these functions; later to marriage ceremonies; embarrassment, upset, confusion
- A parent could be excluded from an event and child feel guilty or torn because of loyalty ties; may feel they need to tell lies to protect a parent.
- Feel their telephone calls are being monitored and listened to; become message carriers; listen as emotional supports to a parent; can’t have non interrupted time with a parent as other always on telephone.
- Contact would be angry and could feel like a tug of war and they are the prized target when all they want is their family. Feelings of embarrassment; sadness, anger, overwhelm, feeling like they have to be the parent. Feeling they need to take sides when they don’t want to.
- Loyalty conflicts leave them trying to look after the wounds and feeling of one or both parents. Or they start to be able to use the family conflict to get what they want at the same time as feeling ‘destroyed’ by the conflict. May not even be able to mention the other parent; loss of family.
- Their role changes and they need to take more responsibility or a different role; confidant to mum or emotional support to dad. As grow confused about their roles, the role of mum and dad; they make decisions about their future; e.g. I am never going to get married.
- Children exposed to the ‘worst’ behaviors, feelings, role changes, revenge, hatred and confusion on a daily basis with warring couples and not feeling they have a voice or are at all important as number 1 in parents perspectives.

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